dear b,

i've actually been meaning to do this ilang months ago na but a lot of things have kept me from doing so.. but since i sort of found an opening sa schedule ko, (believe it or not, magulo pa rin ang schedules ko ngayon), eto na. gagawin ko na. kailangan ko na rin kasing ilabas.

the past month has been really tough for me. and i know, kahit paano, may idea ka dun. stress sa school, sa bahay, losing my lola, not having enough time for churchwork, etc. pero siyempre, the one problem na hindi ko masabi sa iyo: yung sa atin. alam mo hanggang ngayon, i can still remember that day in february. i remember so well. the car i brought that day, kung saan tayo nagkita, yung kinain natin later on, mga pinag-usapan over that meal, lahat. kapag naiisip ko yung araw na yun, bumabalik pa rin lahat, kahit na yung mismong pakiramdam ko habang nakaupo lang tayo pareho at hindi nag-uusap, bumabalik pa rin. i remember the look in your eyes. that look na ang feeling ko nun ay hindi na matutumbasan ng kahit ano. how could i have been so blind to have not seen what was really there? (or maybe, what WASNT there?). all along, i thought ikaw na yung fairy tale ko. akala ko ikaw na ung happy ending ko. umabot na sa point na you and what we had were actually the only things keeping me sane nung mga panahong iyon. i felt so blessed to have been given someone like you. pero mali pala ako. i should have known. i should have known better.

after that saturday when the end began, sobrang sakit na talaga. ask my closest friends. alam nila kung gaano ako nahirapan sa nangyari. kasi naman sa dinami-dami ng iba, bakit siya pa? pero alam mo, hindi sa nanunumbat, pero tiniis ko lahat yun. kasi ayaw kong mawala ka sa akin. kahit na maikli palang yung panahon na naging part ka ng buhay ko, kahit na ganung sakit na ang inabot ko sa iyo, hindi pa rin ako naging willing na hayaan na lang mawala ang lahat. halos lahat na ata ng favors, ginawa ko na wag lang mangyari yung kinatatakutan ko noon pa. nasaan man ako, hindi dumaan ang isang araw na hindi ko naiisip un. sa lahat-lahat na yun though, isa lang ang natutunan ko. i realized na kahit ilang beses ko pa ulit-ulitin sa sarili ko na i've changed, na natuto na ako from before, hindi pa rin pala.

it's been a while since we last talked on the phone, or texted or sat in the car together pero pag nakikita kita, bumabalik lahat ng sakit. pero dahil siguro expert na ako sa pagtatago (o dahil ganun ka nga siguro kamanhid), pag nagkikita tayo or magkasama, parang ok lang lahat. kailangan ok lang lahat. i admit, kahit paano, may nararamdaman pa rin ako for you. hindi man kasing intense before pero it's still there. pag nakikita ko siyang magtext, iniisip ko pa rin na ikaw yun. tanggap ko na though na we already lost what we had before. no more i-love-you(s), no more i-miss-you(s), no more i-cant-wait-for-tomorrow-to-be-with-you-again(s). pero still, tao lang din naman ako. pag nagkikita tayo at nagkakausap, ang hirap at ang sakit pa rin for me everytime. every single time.

b, kung pwede ko lang sabihin sa iyo lahat 'to ng harapan. kung pwede lang talaga. pero hindi e. i dont think mature enough ang isip mo to handle this, to understand all these. when we're both older and wiser siguro. but not in the near future.

ily, b. mahirap mang aminin, pero yan pa rin. hanggang ngayon.

I grew up with both my parents working. Paggising sa umaga, wala na sila mama. Pag-uwi sa hapon galing sa school, nasa office pa din sila. I’m not complaining. We weren’t alone naman when we go home. You see, the arrangement before was we live in our rented apartment at nights and we stay at our grandparents’ (father’s side) house (walking distance from our apartment) during the day. Susunduin kami ng service sa bahay, pero pagdating ng hapon, sa kabilang bahay na kami ihahatid ng service. Even weekends, minsan kina lola kami nagsstay. Yung mga damit naming before, si lola nagtatahi. I remember my favorite dress noon.

The other day, I learned na she was brought to the hospital kasi apparently, 2/3 ng lungs nya were filled with water. Pero nagstabilize na siya nung gabi. Early morning kahapon, sabi kailangan na raw i-dialysis kasi her kidneys were starting to fail. Ngayong umaga, nalaman ko na we almost lost her kasi her blood pressure and heart rate dropped to critical levels. Pumasok pa din ako though, exams and all. Pag-uwi ko, si daddy andito na. Sabi lang niya, wala na. Wala na pala si lola. We lost her to complications of diabetes.

Ang lungkot na hindi kami nagkita man lang for the last time. If I'm not mistaken, yan ang huli naming picture together. Lahat ng apo niya. January 1 pa yan. Annual Pineda family reunion. At ang last niyang natatandaan kong bilin nya ay ako na ang bahala sa mga kapatid ko. Ang dami kong gusto sabihin sa kanya, but I guess, kailangan ko na lang sabihin yun sa ibang paraan. yung hindi na kami magkaharap. titingin na lang sa kung saan. saka ko na lang sasabihin. Ngayon palang, sobrang miss ko na siya. Bye na muna Lola, sa susunod na pagkikita na lang po ulit. I love you. Librada Pineda Valerio

May 19, 1928 – February 27, 2009

________________________________________

And what better timing than now? Not pointing fingers pero why now? Nakakapagod na super. Ayaw ko mang-away pero I think kailangan lang ilabas. Sana lang bukas, paggising ko, hindi ko na ito maramdaman. Kasi ayaw kong magalit. Lalo na sa iyo. Nainis lang talaga ako na sa lahat ng araw, you picked this day pa. Naiinis ako, kasi alam mo, YOU TURNED AWAY WHEN I NEEDED YOU MOST. Sana hindi ka na lang nagpromise na lagi kang andiyan. Para hindi na lang ako nasaktan. Ayaw ko na lang magsalita pa dahil I might end up pa na nanunumbat or something. Pero sana lang maisip mo.

hahaha. somebody special ( ehem :P ) wrote this for me. and i super kaduper love that person super. kung alam lang niya ;)

Among the lilies, the water is calm                                                                                    Go along the river and row, the water now runs                                                                     Among faces, she paints a quiet smile                                                                           Take a step closer, and watch how time flies.                                                                  How are you so strong, how could we belong?                                                                 Are you not the one who took me in your arms, singing                                               Knowing life keeps us guessing, saying I must press on?                                                     Rest your head upon my shoulder one last time.                                                                 If you could..                                                                                                                   Sing a song of life and love one last time,                                                                 Together, if we could. In times of stillness and whispers we begin to see,                          Never did we know how beautiful strangers could be.                                                     Empty hands become full when we hold one another,                                                     Keep count of the days we thought would last forever.                                                    Hear the rain calling the earth to catch its fall,                                                                    A sound echoes into a laugh that connects us all.                                                            Even in joy our eyes may run with tears,                                                                           Visions of tomorrow will still remain unclear.                                                                     Although we cry, we need not hide from the world.                                                           Life grants us people who give us love in return.                                                             Endings dont always go as planned,                                                                               Rest now and wait, for a new day is at hand.                                                                        If we bid farewell now, first look back and see,                                                                    Of all the things we shared, the best was simply you and me.

hehehe. napasaya talaga ako nito. :)                                                                                  -----------------------------------------

second sem, bagong buhay. bagong mga tao sa buhay. hay. ang daming kwento. pero ang dami ko pang gagawin. namimiss na kita. sobra. nagbibilang ako sorry.. pero i cant help it. someday. ayun. nasa planner ko lahat. ang makulay na planner ko. andun lahat mula pa nung.. basta. di ba? unahan tayo ulet. game ka? game ako. standard.  

i got this from a post ni fr. jules (thank you super! winner talaga ang iyong timing. hehe) sakto ang pagkabasa ko. sana lang maalala kung saan ang source talaga. hehehe.

Love can be the most wonderful feeling in this world. But it only becomes complete when we share it with someone who feels the same way for us. Do not be afraid to love because the joy it brings can fulfill us beyond measure. And the pain it sometimes inflicts us can make us better and stronger persons. Although the very first person who taught us the real meaning of love would always be difficult to forget, it doesnt mean he is our last. The first heartache often becomes the prelude to another and then another until we mature emotionally from the pain of our mistakes. Open your heart once again to the real meaning of love. Let us always remember that love is not love when we do not show it. Love is not love when the person whom it is intended doesnt know the feeling. We should not be scared to take the challenge. For those who succeed in love are those who are not afraid to be rejected. Because the believe that losing love, because they tried, is better than losing love because they were just too afraid to get hurt. (from A PRELUDE of something by someone).

e ayun na nga. :)

test

grabe. hindi ko talaga maexplain yung feeling na yun. yung the morning after. (o wag mag-isip ng bastos). hahaha. i've always liked the feeling ng someone stopping me in my tracks pero not IN THAT WAY. kung anuman yun, ayaw ko na lang iexplain. hahaha. sa "friday after" friends ko, i love you all super. thanks talaga for that. screwdrivers galore! next time ulet after exams ko ha?  hindi ko nga lang alam though kung dapat ba akong matuwa sa song for the night. pero grabe. nung nabasa ko yung lyrics nun, dahil di ko memorize nung friday, ay sus. un na un. hahahaha.

winner song of the night:

LINGER (the cranberries)

If you, if you could return
Dont let it burn, dont let it fade
Im sure Im not being rude
But its just your attitude
Its tearing me apart
Its ruining everything
And I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you

But Im in so deep
You know Im such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong
I was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldnt be so confused
And I wouldnt feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you

And Im in so deep
You know Im such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to. do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

And Im in so deep
You know Im such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

You know Im such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

ayun na yun. hehehehe.

maraming salamat sa mga nagparamdam kahapon and today!

salamat sa binigay mo buddy kara! sobrang natuwa talaga ako.  i owe you a hug! pancakes na tau ulet! i love you buddeh! salamat din sa mga taong andun: inna, carol, yung si secret (na hindi ko pa rin alam kung si melay o si coy), clar, fauve, dunya jean, kamela, meg de rivera, nyssa, abbey, burn, elaine, nikoz, kristel, lee tan, paolo siguan, sophie (and naku, kung may nalimutan ako, please pakisabi agad para malagay ko dito. )

syempre salamat ng super kaduper sa aking pamilya: daddy, mama, peanuts at idette.

salamat din sa mga nagtext at nag-pm: fr. neil (na bumati before xa nagfly away *sniff sniff*), dan juangco, tita ofie, rachel, cynric, lara, kara, burn, fx, gavin, tala, inna, dindin, abbey, camille maranan, meg de rivera, tito romy valerio, tita ann rennesland, ate jolly, anton rennesland, tita cielo, tita susan alonzo, ate grace morales, ate jolly, ate babes, coy, kuya jonas, patty munoz, mindy, ruari, muriel, chard, nikka, carol, carla monoy, steph, jun2, lee-ann, aislinn, tasha, rian, kuku, geri, nadine, kamela, mau, karren, anisah, nyssa, tita marlene, jen oyek, marisse, paolo pineda, titus, melay, regie, tita marifel, daryl, fr. rodel, glai, anna abarquez, sammy, kevin, mon, nonie, terrence, john, tita lani, carlo de leon, alvin (happy birthday din)..  (ayan, sana wala akong nakalimutan.call my attention kung meron. at sorry na rin. )

basta salamat sa lahat.

at carol, salamat ng extra. alam mo na un.

lalagay sana kita. kaso wala e. sama ng loob, hello. :|

It's good to be a strong person. You feel invincible, like you can face anything that comes your way. But you know what sucks being one?...

bakit ganyan ka? ang galing ng timing mo. pwede namang sa mga susunod na araw na lang. bakit ngayon pa?

It's when people know that you're strong and they think it's okay to hurt you...

ang tagal na ng huling update pero kasi naman, i truly truly tried but every time i open the window to compose a new blog entry, nabablanko ako. so many things are running in my mind tapos sabay-sabay pa sila, rar.

ok, so tapos na talaga lahat. bye college. hello med na next year. im actually super kaduper excited for it pero at the same time, nakakakaba din. siyempre medyo hindi ko talaga alam what to expect. pero anyway, cross the bridge when we're there, why dont we? summer na at ako ay bum. walang magawa in life. i guess im not used to having long vacations like this na since my last summer na bum ng ganito ay summer before college pa. so ewan. bahala na si batman sa akin ngayong summer. hehehe.

on another note, uber pahinga nga ako physically, emotionally at mentally naman ay hindi ako mapakali. a lot of things happened na since i last updated and for sure, marami pang developments ang mga ito sa mga susunod na linggo. 2 weeks ago, 1 year anniv na ng rollercoaster ko. may bago pang pasahero ngayon. although ang pasahero na ito ay gusto ko na lang muna itulak sa palabas ng ride dahil magulo siya at naiinis na ako (pero hala sige tawa lang, ano pa nga bang bago?). sige pagbigyan na siya pero nauubusan na ako. haysus. sige isip isip na lang. wala naman magawa. pft. mabuti na lang, maraming nangyayari sa akin na masaya kaya kebs sa kanya. i am just grateful na naging enough na ang mga tao sa paligid ko para mabuo ang araw ko.  they are love.

sana june na although sana hindi pa rin. haaaay.

happy anniv anino. haha. 

hindi ko na alam kung anong mafifeel ko ngayon.. im trying my best para maging ok lahat.. para maging masaya before everything comes to a stop.. e ikaw kasi.. ginawa mo pa yun.. napacomment pa tuloy si mama.. mejo naangasan daw siya iyo.. hindi ka daw niya masyadong gusto.. mejo bastos daw yun...

hindi ko alam kung naiinis din ba ako na ginawa mo yun..

or baka naiinis lang ako kasi wala akong magawa para ipagtanggol ka...